#005: return
2024年9月25日 (水)
I am going back to Tokyo after 7 years. I will be there just for 6 days - only 4 full days, considering we arrive in the evening on the first day, and then leave on the last morning for Kamakura, continuing our 3 week journey through Japan and South Korea.
When I think of returning back to Tokyo, my mind floods with memories - of street corners, late evenings, conbini bread, close friends, forced conversations, alien routines, and... old anxiety. I think of train rides, waiting on station platforms, walks to school, and city lights across the bay on a cold night. I remember being absolutely terrified of what people thought of me. I remember marvelling at how the monorail would bank steeply on sharp turns. I remember getting 4 hours of sleep each night, eating very poorly, and feeling hateful towards my classmates for no reason. I remember being 20.
Where should I go, and what do I want to do, this time around? The first thing that comes to mind is that I want to revisit Funabashi: ride the Chuo-Soubu sen, walk down the main street in Funabashi, as well as walk to my old dorm from my old train station. I also want to revisit my old school, to say hi to my old teachers, and revisit Kasai Rinkai park. There are some places that I can save visiting for another time.
I would want to go to everywhere I went, but I wouldn't actually be back. I am returning to a place, but not to a time. So I'll let myself feel nostalgia, and yearning, and a tinge of sorrow, and appreciation. I will say thank you to all the places that carried me for a short time 7 years ago. And I'll visit some of them, as part of that thank you.
And then I will adventure anew. I will explore - both for myself now, and for myself 7 years ago. I didn't explore much then; I spent a lot of time either at school or at home. So - for you - I will go to lots of new places, and try a bunch of new things. I will have an open mind, and see what there is to see, and love all of it.
I will watch trains go by, I will watch city lights pass from outside the monorail window; I will try all kinds of new things with the love of my life. We are going to have a blast, and I can't wait to show her what it's all about over there. We'll go to arcades, sip tea from the 30th floor, and buy all kinds of fun things we don't really need, but would be so fun to buy. We'll stroll around neighborhoods until our feet are sore, and then we'll venture even more.
Japan has been a part of my life for a long time, now. It was 12 years ago I started studying Japanese seriously. I met my highschool/early college girlfriend in Japanese class. I met my best friend while studying abroad in 2017, and met my current partner just months after that. The world has changed a lot since then. Before I graduated, I applied to the JET program, to teach English in Japan. I got accepted, but turned it down, in favor of a job closer to home. My career has blossomed because of that decision, and I think I'd have made a dreadful teacher anyway. Nowadays, I run a weekly Japanese conversation practice class at my local library, and it's the best sense of community I've felt since my highschool Japanese class. I only have that opportunity because I moved to a new city for a new job. I wouldn't be here, with all my Japanese-studying nerd friends, and all of the absurdly generous and kind Japanese volunteers, if I had taken the JET job. And I'm pretty darn happy with my career, too.
My studying, like most Japanese students, has been off and on for these past 12 years. I am perhaps at my best now than I have ever been (though, I've taken a break from reading for the past couple months, so that is hurting). I used to tell myself that once my next journey to Japan was coming up, I'd hit the books really hard and make sure I was perfect by the time we left. Now, what's most important to me is making sure my girlfriend and I have a great trip. I'd rather not spend the 2-3 hours a day studying like I have been, but spend time with my friends, exploring the city I now live in, and enjoying each day that passes.
Thanks to the community I've become a part of surrounding my Japanese conversation classes at the library, I've met a lot of people that also have had lifelong passion for Japan. Some friends of mine even travel to Japan multiple times each year. I think in the near future, I may find myself visiting Japan more often. It's hard to believe that I really waited 7 years to go back. Why is that?
I think the reason comes down to having conflicting feelings, facing cynicism, and a weird fear of unspoken judgment from my partner. My best friend that I mentioned I met while studying abroad - she lived in Japan for two years after graduating, and we actually dated while we were in Japan together 7 years ago. That was several years ago, and we both have changed so much, but I can very certainly empathize with my partner feeling insecure about such things. So, I didn't want to go visit her in Japan, and insult my partner by doing so. I think I might be projecting, though, because she's actually very understanding. I think I just get into my own head about these things.
Clearly, returning to Tokyo brings up all kinds of fun feelings. I'm looking forward to the giddiness of riding my old train again, to wallowing in nostalgia, and to facing how much has changed - inside and out - over these past 7 years.